laytondressing | (no subject)

I suppose it doesn't make any. To some people in the world it does, bur I know I could trust you. I just...I just don't like telling people.

I mean, I'm not ashamed of him, I don't want him going anywhere, I just don't know how to think of it myself. I find myself wondering a lot of I am actually attracted to men or if it's trauma from what my stepfather did.

I don't know. It's all crazy...

Well... I don't know, really. I think... if you find him attractive, you find him attractive, you know? Even if it is because of your stepfather... well, things are that way now, and you might as well live with it.

[She sighs a bit, leaning her head on his shoulder again.]

Ugh, listen to me talking as if I actually have a clue about relationships.

I guess you're right. I find you being right a lot. I really like you.

I think Bradley would like you. He certainly would.

Well, you know I like you, or I wouldn't be able to bear holding you like this. Really though, you think? I can't remember if you told me who Bradley was, though.

Oh, I...I didn't. Bradley is...well, he's the man that I'm in a relationship with. He's um...well he's kind of like...my boyfriend.

I don't know what to think. It makes me nervous even saying it. I feel almost...I dunno, weird. Ashamed. Or something.

Well... I guess if you feel that bad about even saying it then... you should step back from it, right? This place is good, in a way, since it means... well, you can think about things. You know? As far as we know, you've got as long as you need to decide what you actually want to do with yourself.

Maybe... maybe this place is trying to help us, in its own way. Maybe everyone here has something they need time to work on, and that's what we're getting here, really. I mean, this... you and I, that's more than I've ever managed since what Layton did to me. Just... just letting someone hold me like this. And I've missed it, I've missed being able to be close to somebody and I didn't realise just how much until we met, you know? Back home... it's been nearly three years, god, and I'm still hiding from him and having my closest relationships with stray cats. A couple of weeks here, and... everything's still messed up but it's better. It's like... this place is trying to give us the people and the things that we need so that we can sort out the things that are wrong with our lives.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking things. But it's true that it has helped me, just by letting me meet you.

Well I'm glad I've been able to help you out.

I don't know. I don't know how I feel about him. I know I've never felt the way I fell about him. I can't say I love him. I don't love anyone, but it's so different.

I don't know. Here's another thing that makes me feel weak. Dammit.

Well... then maybe what this place will do for you is help you to actually understand it all? I don't know. God, we've both been saying that a lot, haven't we? I guess that's what happens when you make someone like us discuss love and relationships. It's not really our thing.

[She shrugs.]

I guess I'd be happiest if I could just... just fuck having to actually function, and just be with you, alone, or with Luke. You know? Well, I guess I'd still speak to others occasionally, but... ehh. God. I understand feeling weak, even if I don't think that you should. I feel weak for even considering relying on someone. It's not so bad with you, though. Maybe that's because you're me. It's easier to talk to you, and to touch you and let you touch me, because it's not like having to give any part of myself to someone else. You're just me, even though you're different.

Does that even make sense?

It makes perfect sense, because I feel the same way.

I need to stop worrying about what you're going to think. You're me. It's fine, right?

Exactly. You're... you're the one person I feel like I can be totally open with, you know? And I want you to be totally open with me. I mean... I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me things, but if you want to say something then you're always welcome to tell me, and I'm hardly going to judge you for anything.

[She shrugs again, leaning in to kiss Descole lightly on the lips.]

I guess it's okay for me to do this, if you're me, then? God, how narcissistic is that, that I want to kiss myself?

We'll then we're both narcissistic.

Okay. I should be able too. I need to stop worrying. I'm glad you understand me. I'm glad I found another me, this is really useful.

[He ran his fingers through her hair, lightly.]

[Descole hums a little, leaning into the touch and shutting her eye.]

Mmm. I'm glad to have you, too. On top of everything else, it's been so, so long since I had someone stroke my hair like that. It kind of sucks to be so freaked out by everyone else, you know? Before Layton, I used to love to be touched. Not even anything sexual, just... like this. I don't think I've ever really admitted to anyone else how much I enjoy it. It's always seemed stupid, because usually my relationships are just sex.

Not all relationships are just sex. This one isn't. Luckily. I'd feel like I was cheating.

...not that I haven't already cheated being here...

Mm... what do you mean, though, that you've cheated, if you're not counting this? Who have you been doing things with?

[She tilts her head up to watch him.]

[He shakes his head.]

I regret every second. You don't even want to know...

[More like she'd kill him if she found out.]

Ehh? Come on, surely it can't be that bad, right? You can tell me anything, really.

Uh...right. I guess I can.

I was seduced by Layton. The one with the monocle...

[Descole goes rigid.]

I--

What... what exactly do you mean by that?

[With the way that he's worded it... she wants to trust him. She doesn't have anyone else to trust, and she doesn't want to give this up. She's said that already. She doesn't know how she'd cope without him, already, so she doesn't want to lose him, but on the other hand... Layton. Amd that one, too, the one who reminds her so much of her own.]

I just--

Oh, god. Double. I-- Please. Please.

[She doesn't even know what she's asking for, at this point. She just wants to be reassured that she's not losing the one person she's really been able to trust since what her own Layton did to her.]

[He grabs her hand and rubs it lightly.]

I am really not doing that again. We just had sex, and I wont let it happen again. He told me there will be some sort of election. He said if he won, he could include me, which means you to. And you don't even have to talk to him.

...if it makes it any better I won't talk to him myself ever again. It was just one fuck.

I'm sorry...

Oh, god. No. Fuck, I--

[She whimpers a little, pulling away from him and curling herself into a ball at the end of the bed, trying to stop herself from trembling long enough that she can speak properly.]

He. When I'd been here a couple weeks I met him the first time. He tried to claim this place. Said he'd been here longest. But-- but I'd been here longer. That's what the election is about. I had a better claim that way so he changed his mind. I don't... I--

[She bites down on the back of her arm, choking back a sob.]

Fuck. Double, please, don't... don't. I... Please, I just... I need...

[She crawls back over to him, wrapping her arms tight enough around him as to be almost uncomfortable.]

[He's slightly dumbfounded at her story but he nods, believing her. She was his best friend.]

I'll never bother myself with him again....

[He rubs her back and runs his fingers through her hair.]

He wont take me away from you.

[Descole lets out a shuddering breath, curling herself in as tight to him as she can manage.]

I... I just... Oh, god, double. I need you. Just... don't scare me like that.

[Leaning up, she kisses him hard, then shakes her head and just buries her head in his chest.]

Fuck. Sorry. I'm... just give me a minute. I'm okay. Mostly.

I understand. I'm not going anywhere.

[He sighs and shakes his head.]

I'm sorry....fuck...I didn't think you'd react so bad...fuck...

I. Sorry. I'm trying not to.

I just... that one... reminded me so much of my own Layton. He... I showed him my scars and he called it craftmanship, and I... I think he's part of why I can't relax, even here, because not only am I afraid that my Layton will arrive, I'm afraid that that one is just as bad.

[She shudders and moves to press her face into his muffler again.]

I don't blame you. I just... sorry. It freaked me out. I'm sorry.

God. I'll start sitting still in a moment.

[He holds her lovingly and sighs. It's another weakness of his, he doesn't like disappointing people.]

I wont go anywhere.

....god I can't believe I cheated on Bradley with that prick...