laytondressing | (no subject)

Hmm, even if you had a relationship, maybe you wouldn't have to give this up.

I dunno. I don't think I love...them. I just don't want to disappoint anyway...perhaps.

[Love is too complicated for Descole, obviously.]

Well, at this rate, it's not like there's anyone else I could manage a relationship with to get offended about me wanting to spend all my time cuddling with you, anyway. Mm... I can understand not wanting to disappoint, but... isn't it more disappointing to lead someone on? I don't know, really, but I guess that'd hurt me more.

You would think so wouldn't you? I think they like being at my house. More than half the time, I'm just being pestered to eat.

I mean, in a way I don't want them gone. I mean, it's not love. No, just, both of us enjoy the others company. And we keep the other safe. But it's not love.

Well... surely they could just stay at your house without you being together, right? I don't know. I wouldn't mind something like that, you know? Well. I guess that as long as we're both here then I have you. But back home, I don't have anyone.

I wish that... if you did go home, then I could come with you. I know it wouldn't happen, I mean... if this place sent us home it would send us to our own homes, right? But, well... I don't know. Home is supposed to be somewhere that you're happy, right? Maybe if this place thought about it that way, it'd let me go with you.

I'm not going to lie, I hope you come with me.

Okay the thing is...well the person I'm with. We gave sex, we sleep in the same bed, I don't know what we are.

[He pauses thinking about it.]

Can I ask you kind of a personal question? You said you slept with girls, didn't you? For...for how long?

How long? Well... if you mean what's the longest relationship I've had with a girl? Then... I think probably a couple of weeks. If you mean how long I've liked girls, then that's been as long as I can remember.

[She shrugs a bit.]

I don't know. I like girls, I usually get on with them better, but then I prefer the sex with guys. I like how girls look, and I've slept with them, but I'm usually not as interested in getting them in bed. Why do you ask, anyway?

[When she asks why, he shrugs and looks down, obviously a little embarrassed. ]

Well, I'm just curious...well because the person I'm with is a man.

Now that...I haven't told anyone that...

[She glances up at him, then smiles faintly and leans to kiss his cheek.]

I don't see why that should make any difference. I mean, what difference does it make?

I suppose it doesn't make any. To some people in the world it does, bur I know I could trust you. I just...I just don't like telling people.

I mean, I'm not ashamed of him, I don't want him going anywhere, I just don't know how to think of it myself. I find myself wondering a lot of I am actually attracted to men or if it's trauma from what my stepfather did.

I don't know. It's all crazy...

Well... I don't know, really. I think... if you find him attractive, you find him attractive, you know? Even if it is because of your stepfather... well, things are that way now, and you might as well live with it.

[She sighs a bit, leaning her head on his shoulder again.]

Ugh, listen to me talking as if I actually have a clue about relationships.

I guess you're right. I find you being right a lot. I really like you.

I think Bradley would like you. He certainly would.

Well, you know I like you, or I wouldn't be able to bear holding you like this. Really though, you think? I can't remember if you told me who Bradley was, though.

Oh, I...I didn't. Bradley is...well, he's the man that I'm in a relationship with. He's um...well he's kind of like...my boyfriend.

I don't know what to think. It makes me nervous even saying it. I feel almost...I dunno, weird. Ashamed. Or something.

Well... I guess if you feel that bad about even saying it then... you should step back from it, right? This place is good, in a way, since it means... well, you can think about things. You know? As far as we know, you've got as long as you need to decide what you actually want to do with yourself.

Maybe... maybe this place is trying to help us, in its own way. Maybe everyone here has something they need time to work on, and that's what we're getting here, really. I mean, this... you and I, that's more than I've ever managed since what Layton did to me. Just... just letting someone hold me like this. And I've missed it, I've missed being able to be close to somebody and I didn't realise just how much until we met, you know? Back home... it's been nearly three years, god, and I'm still hiding from him and having my closest relationships with stray cats. A couple of weeks here, and... everything's still messed up but it's better. It's like... this place is trying to give us the people and the things that we need so that we can sort out the things that are wrong with our lives.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking things. But it's true that it has helped me, just by letting me meet you.

Well I'm glad I've been able to help you out.

I don't know. I don't know how I feel about him. I know I've never felt the way I fell about him. I can't say I love him. I don't love anyone, but it's so different.

I don't know. Here's another thing that makes me feel weak. Dammit.

Well... then maybe what this place will do for you is help you to actually understand it all? I don't know. God, we've both been saying that a lot, haven't we? I guess that's what happens when you make someone like us discuss love and relationships. It's not really our thing.

[She shrugs.]

I guess I'd be happiest if I could just... just fuck having to actually function, and just be with you, alone, or with Luke. You know? Well, I guess I'd still speak to others occasionally, but... ehh. God. I understand feeling weak, even if I don't think that you should. I feel weak for even considering relying on someone. It's not so bad with you, though. Maybe that's because you're me. It's easier to talk to you, and to touch you and let you touch me, because it's not like having to give any part of myself to someone else. You're just me, even though you're different.

Does that even make sense?

It makes perfect sense, because I feel the same way.

I need to stop worrying about what you're going to think. You're me. It's fine, right?

Exactly. You're... you're the one person I feel like I can be totally open with, you know? And I want you to be totally open with me. I mean... I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me things, but if you want to say something then you're always welcome to tell me, and I'm hardly going to judge you for anything.

[She shrugs again, leaning in to kiss Descole lightly on the lips.]

I guess it's okay for me to do this, if you're me, then? God, how narcissistic is that, that I want to kiss myself?

We'll then we're both narcissistic.

Okay. I should be able too. I need to stop worrying. I'm glad you understand me. I'm glad I found another me, this is really useful.

[He ran his fingers through her hair, lightly.]

[Descole hums a little, leaning into the touch and shutting her eye.]

Mmm. I'm glad to have you, too. On top of everything else, it's been so, so long since I had someone stroke my hair like that. It kind of sucks to be so freaked out by everyone else, you know? Before Layton, I used to love to be touched. Not even anything sexual, just... like this. I don't think I've ever really admitted to anyone else how much I enjoy it. It's always seemed stupid, because usually my relationships are just sex.

Not all relationships are just sex. This one isn't. Luckily. I'd feel like I was cheating.

...not that I haven't already cheated being here...

Mm... what do you mean, though, that you've cheated, if you're not counting this? Who have you been doing things with?

[She tilts her head up to watch him.]

[He shakes his head.]

I regret every second. You don't even want to know...

[More like she'd kill him if she found out.]

Ehh? Come on, surely it can't be that bad, right? You can tell me anything, really.

Uh...right. I guess I can.

I was seduced by Layton. The one with the monocle...