laytondressing | (no subject)

God, I don't think I could cope with that. I mean, you saw how I got with you trying to make me sleep, and at least I'm less jumpy about beds than I am about baths and showers. I guess it's because I have to be naked for that, you know? So I'm more on edge, because I'm more defenseless.

[She sighs a little and glances up at him.]

Thankfully I don't tend to get sick that often, outside of making myself ill by not eating or anything. I don't exactly have anybody who could do that for me outside of maybe you, even if I could cope with it.

I know. I wasn't eating and I was in a bad place and hail, I got the flu. I literally felt like I was having a heart attack as I was being forced back to consciousness by being thrown into the bath tub.

I just want to let you know, if I ever find you on the verge of death, I will grab you and try to bring you back to life.

Well, I'm glad to be able to rely on you for that. Even if I'd freak out at the time. I mean, there's... not anybody else who could do that for me, really. God, Luke is the only other person in this place who even knows where I'm staying.

I guess that it'd be easier for that sort of thing if I didn't also barricade my door most of the time when I want to try to sleep, hmm? Especially since it never even works.

No, it works, but you know my fondness for breaking into places without tiding doors. You and I are both exceptionally well at using the rafters.

You and I are both good at not trusting people. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Well, true. God, I think you're the only person I really trust, here or at home. I mean, there's nobody at home anyway, and here I guess I sort of trust Luke, but it's not the same. I couldn't just... hold him like this, you know?

Yes I do understand. I suppose the only other person I can trust like this is the one I have sex with. But even that is different I guess.

I don't know. I could probably have sex with a lot of people now that I think about it.

[She snorts a little, then bursts out laughing, pulling back to cover her mouth.]

Oh, god, the last person I had sex with was Don Paolo. I think he thinks we're going to get married or somesuch. I told him it didn't mean anything, but he's still smitten with me.

[He laughs at the the thought of her and Don Paolo getting married.]

I already forgot about that. Oh my god. That's so funny.

Yeah before...well before I was in this relationship I was in. I was in a kind of adulterous situation. I was in a small relationship and I was cheating with everyone. Obviously we didnt last.

I don't know. I haven't done anything like that with this ones one. But then again, it hardly happened on my accord. I think it has to be like that with me for relationships.

Mm... in the past, before Layton... I've never liked being tied to just one person, really. I think the longest relationship I ever had was an open one, although even that only lasted a couple of months. I don't know. I'd never ask anyone who was with me to just be with me, you know? I doubt I'd take advantage of it myself any more, but that's more because I can't bring myself to be with other people than actually wanting to be monogamous.

[She shrugs a little and curls closer again.]

Well, I could certainly never give this up even if I were actually with someone.

Hmm, even if you had a relationship, maybe you wouldn't have to give this up.

I dunno. I don't think I love...them. I just don't want to disappoint anyway...perhaps.

[Love is too complicated for Descole, obviously.]

Well, at this rate, it's not like there's anyone else I could manage a relationship with to get offended about me wanting to spend all my time cuddling with you, anyway. Mm... I can understand not wanting to disappoint, but... isn't it more disappointing to lead someone on? I don't know, really, but I guess that'd hurt me more.

You would think so wouldn't you? I think they like being at my house. More than half the time, I'm just being pestered to eat.

I mean, in a way I don't want them gone. I mean, it's not love. No, just, both of us enjoy the others company. And we keep the other safe. But it's not love.

Well... surely they could just stay at your house without you being together, right? I don't know. I wouldn't mind something like that, you know? Well. I guess that as long as we're both here then I have you. But back home, I don't have anyone.

I wish that... if you did go home, then I could come with you. I know it wouldn't happen, I mean... if this place sent us home it would send us to our own homes, right? But, well... I don't know. Home is supposed to be somewhere that you're happy, right? Maybe if this place thought about it that way, it'd let me go with you.

I'm not going to lie, I hope you come with me.

Okay the thing is...well the person I'm with. We gave sex, we sleep in the same bed, I don't know what we are.

[He pauses thinking about it.]

Can I ask you kind of a personal question? You said you slept with girls, didn't you? For...for how long?

How long? Well... if you mean what's the longest relationship I've had with a girl? Then... I think probably a couple of weeks. If you mean how long I've liked girls, then that's been as long as I can remember.

[She shrugs a bit.]

I don't know. I like girls, I usually get on with them better, but then I prefer the sex with guys. I like how girls look, and I've slept with them, but I'm usually not as interested in getting them in bed. Why do you ask, anyway?

[When she asks why, he shrugs and looks down, obviously a little embarrassed. ]

Well, I'm just curious...well because the person I'm with is a man.

Now that...I haven't told anyone that...

[She glances up at him, then smiles faintly and leans to kiss his cheek.]

I don't see why that should make any difference. I mean, what difference does it make?

I suppose it doesn't make any. To some people in the world it does, bur I know I could trust you. I just...I just don't like telling people.

I mean, I'm not ashamed of him, I don't want him going anywhere, I just don't know how to think of it myself. I find myself wondering a lot of I am actually attracted to men or if it's trauma from what my stepfather did.

I don't know. It's all crazy...

Well... I don't know, really. I think... if you find him attractive, you find him attractive, you know? Even if it is because of your stepfather... well, things are that way now, and you might as well live with it.

[She sighs a bit, leaning her head on his shoulder again.]

Ugh, listen to me talking as if I actually have a clue about relationships.

I guess you're right. I find you being right a lot. I really like you.

I think Bradley would like you. He certainly would.

Well, you know I like you, or I wouldn't be able to bear holding you like this. Really though, you think? I can't remember if you told me who Bradley was, though.

Oh, I...I didn't. Bradley is...well, he's the man that I'm in a relationship with. He's um...well he's kind of like...my boyfriend.

I don't know what to think. It makes me nervous even saying it. I feel almost...I dunno, weird. Ashamed. Or something.

Well... I guess if you feel that bad about even saying it then... you should step back from it, right? This place is good, in a way, since it means... well, you can think about things. You know? As far as we know, you've got as long as you need to decide what you actually want to do with yourself.

Maybe... maybe this place is trying to help us, in its own way. Maybe everyone here has something they need time to work on, and that's what we're getting here, really. I mean, this... you and I, that's more than I've ever managed since what Layton did to me. Just... just letting someone hold me like this. And I've missed it, I've missed being able to be close to somebody and I didn't realise just how much until we met, you know? Back home... it's been nearly three years, god, and I'm still hiding from him and having my closest relationships with stray cats. A couple of weeks here, and... everything's still messed up but it's better. It's like... this place is trying to give us the people and the things that we need so that we can sort out the things that are wrong with our lives.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking things. But it's true that it has helped me, just by letting me meet you.

Well I'm glad I've been able to help you out.

I don't know. I don't know how I feel about him. I know I've never felt the way I fell about him. I can't say I love him. I don't love anyone, but it's so different.

I don't know. Here's another thing that makes me feel weak. Dammit.

Well... then maybe what this place will do for you is help you to actually understand it all? I don't know. God, we've both been saying that a lot, haven't we? I guess that's what happens when you make someone like us discuss love and relationships. It's not really our thing.

[She shrugs.]

I guess I'd be happiest if I could just... just fuck having to actually function, and just be with you, alone, or with Luke. You know? Well, I guess I'd still speak to others occasionally, but... ehh. God. I understand feeling weak, even if I don't think that you should. I feel weak for even considering relying on someone. It's not so bad with you, though. Maybe that's because you're me. It's easier to talk to you, and to touch you and let you touch me, because it's not like having to give any part of myself to someone else. You're just me, even though you're different.

Does that even make sense?