laytondressing | (no subject)

Well, I can definitely sympathise. I'd love to be able to have something like that, but I don't even know where to start with it. At least you've got someone, even if you don't know what you're doing...

Well thanks for trying. Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I didn't even ask for love. The person kind of just showed up at my house, after I got out of the hospital. I don't know whether I want it or not.

It makes me feel weak, either way.

Well... I don't think it should make you feel weak. I mean, this isn't weak, right? Us being like this. So it shouldn't be weak with anyone else.

And... well, it's your choice, right?

No, I mean it is my choice and...they're nice. I just hate giving into ut yanno?

Whatever. You're right. Things are fine. You're lucky you don't have to deal with my thoughts.

Well... dealing with your thoughts would mean I was at least a step closer to actually forming some kind of meaningful relationship with another human being, you know? I don't... ugh, I don't even know. I wish I could just... stay here, with you. You're about the only person I feel safe with. It's stupid. I don't feel safe with myself, why would I feel safe with another me? But I do.

Cause I'm different? I'm not so new at dealing with this trauma thing.

I dunno. It's weird how I cab emotionally handle myself more with you that I can my...my relationship.

[Giving it any other title felt weird to him.]

Mmm... maybe we're both just too narcissistic to like anyone else, hmm? We should elope. Or maybe it's only me who's bad enough to even consider something like that, I don't know.

God, what am I saying? You've already said you're in a relationship, I should stop hitting on you already. You should put your mask back on, you're too pretty otherwise.

Pretty me? Heh, I doubt that! You're prettier than I!

And I probably would love to elope with you, if I could. Unfortunately, I don't think that's a possibility.

Liar. You've got both your eyes, you could hardly be less pretty than I am.

[She sighs a little, shifting so that she's practically in his lap and burying her face in his shoulder. When she speaks again, it's muffled, and quiet anyway.]

Maybe we'll never be able to get home. God. I hate how much I'd want that, especially after you said you want to go home. I don't know how I'd cope back home, though. I don't know how I'd deal with things without you. Fuck, I don't know. Is it sad to want to stay in a dead-end place like this? I've got nothing to go home to.

...this is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous, double, aren't I?

No. It makes sense. But I think this is part of the healing process, not to sound like a self-help author. But I think, after a while in here, you could cope.

It's not that I really want to go home, I just miss my baby brother...alright, I'll say it. I miss Bradley too.

But I don't particularly want to go back there. I think I'd miss you too much.

Well... maybe they'll end up here. I mean, you know them, so they might... I guess that's the best option. You'd have them back and we'd still have each other, too.

[She raises her head a little.]

I mean, if I didn't have you, I'd... miss this more than anything. I'd gone so long without touching anyone like this and being held that I'd stopped missing it. I think I would again, if we had to be apart, and there's nobody at home who I could bear to let touch me.

I hope they end up here. I think they would like to meet you.

[He sighed shook his head, nuzzling his cheek in her hair.]

I don't want to leave you. I don't really want to leave here either. Have you used the showers? They're amazing.

[With another solemn laugh, he continues thinking about his home life. The people he's used to. He gives a light sigh.]

Really? I don't know what would be appealing about meeting me. I think I'd be quite disappointing, after knowing you. But thank you, anyway.

I did once. Use the showers, that is. Mostly I just wash at the sink though. Having to be in a shower feels like letting my guard down too much, you know?

Really? That's funny. I find the only place I can be alone and safe is the shower. Hell, I can't even change my clothes if I'm not in the bathroom. I love showers. I love being clean though.

[He laughs a bit.]

I guess that's the only place I could ever be alone. I mean, even away from my stepfather. When he did those horrible things, after he was gone, I'd race to the shower. And it's the only place my baby brother would leave me alone.

I dunno. It's nice here.

I just... don't feel safe anywhere when I'm alone. I guess it's different with you, because I feel like I can actually let my guard down at all with you here. Maybe I should make you come with me if I'm going to try out the showers.

God, I don't know. Don't listen to me, double, I'm making an ass of myself again.

[He laughs at her words and shrugs.]

No, maybe it'll work! You never know! I can accompany you in cleaning, perhaps you'll feel better.

[He continues laughing quietly and then ends it with a sighs ]

It's narcissism.

[Descole snorts, burying her face deeper into his muffler to hide her blush.]

Are you going to wash me, then, double? Maybe I'd be more relaxed if you did that. Or if I could hold you like this the whole time, at least.

[She snorts again.]

Listen to me, god. I can't even blame it on alcohol this time around. I really just am that much of a narcissist.

We both are, it's fine.

[He laughs a bit as a memory comes into his mind.]

I had to do that once. I was really sick. And...and the person who loves me took my clothes off and threw me into the bath, holding me there so I would come back from sickness. I had the flu, it was terrible.

God, I don't think I could cope with that. I mean, you saw how I got with you trying to make me sleep, and at least I'm less jumpy about beds than I am about baths and showers. I guess it's because I have to be naked for that, you know? So I'm more on edge, because I'm more defenseless.

[She sighs a little and glances up at him.]

Thankfully I don't tend to get sick that often, outside of making myself ill by not eating or anything. I don't exactly have anybody who could do that for me outside of maybe you, even if I could cope with it.

I know. I wasn't eating and I was in a bad place and hail, I got the flu. I literally felt like I was having a heart attack as I was being forced back to consciousness by being thrown into the bath tub.

I just want to let you know, if I ever find you on the verge of death, I will grab you and try to bring you back to life.

Well, I'm glad to be able to rely on you for that. Even if I'd freak out at the time. I mean, there's... not anybody else who could do that for me, really. God, Luke is the only other person in this place who even knows where I'm staying.

I guess that it'd be easier for that sort of thing if I didn't also barricade my door most of the time when I want to try to sleep, hmm? Especially since it never even works.

No, it works, but you know my fondness for breaking into places without tiding doors. You and I are both exceptionally well at using the rafters.

You and I are both good at not trusting people. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Well, true. God, I think you're the only person I really trust, here or at home. I mean, there's nobody at home anyway, and here I guess I sort of trust Luke, but it's not the same. I couldn't just... hold him like this, you know?

Yes I do understand. I suppose the only other person I can trust like this is the one I have sex with. But even that is different I guess.

I don't know. I could probably have sex with a lot of people now that I think about it.

[She snorts a little, then bursts out laughing, pulling back to cover her mouth.]

Oh, god, the last person I had sex with was Don Paolo. I think he thinks we're going to get married or somesuch. I told him it didn't mean anything, but he's still smitten with me.