laytondressing | (no subject)

...I'm sorry, for you. And god, you think that mine was worse? Three days under Layton's thumb are nothing compared to what you went through.

[She moves to bury her face in his muffler again, wrapping her arms around him loosely.]

I guess something probably happened in the time before, to give me the issues I had before and make me forget in the first place, but... whatever it is, I don't remember it, and it didn't leave any scars. So, I've hated not being able to remember, but I'd rather that than be in your position, double. What you went through is horrible, and I guess... it must harder for you, as a man. I mean, if I admitted what I'd been through to people... well, people find it more socially acceptable for a woman to have been through something like this and talk about it afterwards, you know? It's ridiculous, really. But you know what I mean?

I don't really know what to say, god, I'm bad at this. But I wouldn't judge you, and I don't think you're weak. Because, hell, you can deal with me and help me even after what you'd been through. I'd be awful if it were the other way around.

[He smiles genuinely then shrugs. His blue eyes migrate to the curling and back down to the bed.]

I know. For some reason it's not socially acceptable, which I precisely why I don't tell people. And thank you for not judging me.

I don't know, it was bad, and I wish to forget it a lot. Lately, that man has been torturing me, since I took his son to stay at my house. He's a young man, and he doesn't need his emotionally abuse.

Oh did I mention he never assaulted my baby brother? At most he bossed him around while he was drunk. I guess Simon was the best thing that happened to him.

It's not that his memory tortures me so much, I just want to know why he did what he
did..When I told Bradley, the first question he asked was "why".
And I realized I didn't have an answer.

I'm sorry for all this information. Do you have an questions?

You don't need to be sorry, double. I'm glad to hear it. No, not glad, that's the wrong word. Well, I'm glad you're able to tell me, you know? It... it's helped to tell people about it here, for me, so I'm glad that you've been able to tell me your own story.

I don't have any questions, no. I'm just glad you could tell me, yes.

I'm glad that I met you, double. I don't know what I'd do in this place if I didn't have someone to control me. I'm more relaxed in general here, but I'm worse with everything as well. I guess it's because I'm not used to the place, or something.

Yeah me too. I've been freaking out here as well.

[He sighs and rubs one of her arms around him lightly.]

I'm glad I could tell you. You know, I've only ever told two people that sstoey. Well, Hershel figured it out but I never told him. I haven't even told my therapist. I hate therapy

I'm glad you were one of those two.

[Descole tightens her grip, glancing up at her double's face.]

I'm glad that I am, too. It's... much as I'm sorry that you went through something like that... it's nice to know that you really can understand, you know? You get people who claim to understand when they've never been through something even remotely similar, and I hate that. So it's nice that you actually do understand, really.

...I should stop clinging onto you like this every time we're together. I'll start to miss it when you're not around. You're going to be like a stuffed bear to me at this rate.

I know. Who am I going to take care of when we get out of here?

So. I have a question for you. Have you every actually dated someone. Like, that you remember? I'm just curious, I don't know anthing about love.

Dated...? Well... I guess it depends on what you'd count as dating. I've gone out on dates, sometimes more than one with the same person, and I've been with people multiple times, but... I've never had any sort of loving relationship, if that's what you mean by it.

[He nods understanding.]

I suppose you'd call what I'm in a relationship. I don't know. I don't know how to be in love. I don't think I am. I don't think I've ever actually fallen in love.

I don't know. It was just bothering me. I was wondering if you could help.

No. God, you thought I could help with something like that? The closest I had to a real, loving relationship was feeding stray cats in my garden, double.

Huh. I guess they'll probably have stopped coming, if I get home. I'll miss them. Maybe if I get home and put food out they'll come back.

They will. I went away from my house for a while, but they came back.

No, but I didn't expect you to be able to give me advise. Just...I dunno. Sympathize. Which you so well.

Well, I can definitely sympathise. I'd love to be able to have something like that, but I don't even know where to start with it. At least you've got someone, even if you don't know what you're doing...

Well thanks for trying. Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I didn't even ask for love. The person kind of just showed up at my house, after I got out of the hospital. I don't know whether I want it or not.

It makes me feel weak, either way.

Well... I don't think it should make you feel weak. I mean, this isn't weak, right? Us being like this. So it shouldn't be weak with anyone else.

And... well, it's your choice, right?

No, I mean it is my choice and...they're nice. I just hate giving into ut yanno?

Whatever. You're right. Things are fine. You're lucky you don't have to deal with my thoughts.

Well... dealing with your thoughts would mean I was at least a step closer to actually forming some kind of meaningful relationship with another human being, you know? I don't... ugh, I don't even know. I wish I could just... stay here, with you. You're about the only person I feel safe with. It's stupid. I don't feel safe with myself, why would I feel safe with another me? But I do.

Cause I'm different? I'm not so new at dealing with this trauma thing.

I dunno. It's weird how I cab emotionally handle myself more with you that I can my...my relationship.

[Giving it any other title felt weird to him.]

Mmm... maybe we're both just too narcissistic to like anyone else, hmm? We should elope. Or maybe it's only me who's bad enough to even consider something like that, I don't know.

God, what am I saying? You've already said you're in a relationship, I should stop hitting on you already. You should put your mask back on, you're too pretty otherwise.

Pretty me? Heh, I doubt that! You're prettier than I!

And I probably would love to elope with you, if I could. Unfortunately, I don't think that's a possibility.

Liar. You've got both your eyes, you could hardly be less pretty than I am.

[She sighs a little, shifting so that she's practically in his lap and burying her face in his shoulder. When she speaks again, it's muffled, and quiet anyway.]

Maybe we'll never be able to get home. God. I hate how much I'd want that, especially after you said you want to go home. I don't know how I'd cope back home, though. I don't know how I'd deal with things without you. Fuck, I don't know. Is it sad to want to stay in a dead-end place like this? I've got nothing to go home to.

...this is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous, double, aren't I?

No. It makes sense. But I think this is part of the healing process, not to sound like a self-help author. But I think, after a while in here, you could cope.

It's not that I really want to go home, I just miss my baby brother...alright, I'll say it. I miss Bradley too.

But I don't particularly want to go back there. I think I'd miss you too much.

Well... maybe they'll end up here. I mean, you know them, so they might... I guess that's the best option. You'd have them back and we'd still have each other, too.

[She raises her head a little.]

I mean, if I didn't have you, I'd... miss this more than anything. I'd gone so long without touching anyone like this and being held that I'd stopped missing it. I think I would again, if we had to be apart, and there's nobody at home who I could bear to let touch me.

I hope they end up here. I think they would like to meet you.

[He sighed shook his head, nuzzling his cheek in her hair.]

I don't want to leave you. I don't really want to leave here either. Have you used the showers? They're amazing.

[With another solemn laugh, he continues thinking about his home life. The people he's used to. He gives a light sigh.]

Really? I don't know what would be appealing about meeting me. I think I'd be quite disappointing, after knowing you. But thank you, anyway.

I did once. Use the showers, that is. Mostly I just wash at the sink though. Having to be in a shower feels like letting my guard down too much, you know?

Really? That's funny. I find the only place I can be alone and safe is the shower. Hell, I can't even change my clothes if I'm not in the bathroom. I love showers. I love being clean though.

[He laughs a bit.]

I guess that's the only place I could ever be alone. I mean, even away from my stepfather. When he did those horrible things, after he was gone, I'd race to the shower. And it's the only place my baby brother would leave me alone.

I dunno. It's nice here.

I just... don't feel safe anywhere when I'm alone. I guess it's different with you, because I feel like I can actually let my guard down at all with you here. Maybe I should make you come with me if I'm going to try out the showers.

God, I don't know. Don't listen to me, double, I'm making an ass of myself again.