laytondressing | (no subject)

Sure, I'll have a go at it...

[She reaches out, getting some string of her own and trying to copy what she's watched him doing. Not particularly well, though.]

Ugh. It'd be easier if my fingers weren't so cold, I think.

[He laughs at the comment.]

I know, mine are freezing too. I do it on auto-pilot though, so I have an unfair advantage. Yours is coming out just fine though. Keep going.

Well, it's just... frustrating. It's awkward to make, and it doesn't come out as well as yours even after that.

[Her gaze flicks towards the scrubbing brush on the floor for a moment, and she twitches as if she's going to move, but the next moment she shakes her head sharply and looks back at the string.]

I hate that... every time I find something that helps even the slightest bit I end up latching onto it until it's not helpful any more. Like the alcohol, and the cleaning.

Well at least this isn't going to hurt you. You're doing just fine. Remember to tie the knots high up, so they're tight.

[He shows her his and smiles. It reminds him of being a child with his friends again. Well, not so much friends, he didn't have many friends, but his aquantinces. It reminded them of how much fun rigorous practice could be with children. Children always found ways to make it fun.]

Did I tell you how I had an addiction to playing music? Seriously, I would play and play for hours on end, pieces I've heard a couple of times before or had the sheet music too. But when I messed up, I had to start over completely. I think I was, um, like twenty when I had that addiction.

I didn't used to play that much, but I was always the same with having to start over every time I made a mistake. I used to get frustrated with it, though, and I'd end up just making more mistakes because I was annoyed, until I couldn't bear to play any more and I'd have to do something else. Well, I guess my piano always stayed very clean, you know?

[She sighs a little.]

God, for as long as I can remember I've been like this, though it got worse after Layton. I think I'd like to have just one day where I can function like a normal person. Although I guess going back to this afterwards would be harder, so maybe not just a day.

Post-traumatic strews takes a while to get over. I read a book on it. But I think eventually, when you can learn to get rid of these feelings, you'll get over it.

[Then again, he hasn't even really gotten over it. After years. His stepfather disappeared from his young adult life when he was about fourteen and he still showed signs.]

Do you what happened to me to get this way?

You? Well... you've talked about your stepfather, and your dancing...

[She bites at her lip.]

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, double. But, if you do want to tell me then I don't mind that either. Ugh, I'm not making sense, am I?

You're making perfect sense. I understand.

I, as a person, keep a lot of secrets. I'm always afraid of judgement and myself being weak, but I suppose I can tell you somethings. You see, my stepfather married my mom when I was like five, and got her pregnant a year later. My real father, he was a P.I. according to my mother, and he died on the job while she was pregnant with me. I'm named after him. Anyways, my stepfather treaded my mother like a goddess. It was so she never knew how terrible he was treating me. He gave me took many chores for a boy to do, and wouldn't let me eat all day until they were all done. They were never all done.

Same thing with practice. When I'd finally finish my chores, I had to practice for hours on sleep deprivation and no food. I will admit, I got really good, but not on my own will. And if I wasn't good enough, he'd hit me.

When I was eleven or twelve, I got my first crush. He found out about it and punished me. Not only did his drunken arse beat me, but he raped me too. And he continued this punishment until I was fourteen and my mother finally found out after my little brother told. So she kicked him to the curb.

Yeah, it's not as bad as yours I suppose, but that's what happened to me. That's what messed me up. Sorry for that monologue.

...I'm sorry, for you. And god, you think that mine was worse? Three days under Layton's thumb are nothing compared to what you went through.

[She moves to bury her face in his muffler again, wrapping her arms around him loosely.]

I guess something probably happened in the time before, to give me the issues I had before and make me forget in the first place, but... whatever it is, I don't remember it, and it didn't leave any scars. So, I've hated not being able to remember, but I'd rather that than be in your position, double. What you went through is horrible, and I guess... it must harder for you, as a man. I mean, if I admitted what I'd been through to people... well, people find it more socially acceptable for a woman to have been through something like this and talk about it afterwards, you know? It's ridiculous, really. But you know what I mean?

I don't really know what to say, god, I'm bad at this. But I wouldn't judge you, and I don't think you're weak. Because, hell, you can deal with me and help me even after what you'd been through. I'd be awful if it were the other way around.

[He smiles genuinely then shrugs. His blue eyes migrate to the curling and back down to the bed.]

I know. For some reason it's not socially acceptable, which I precisely why I don't tell people. And thank you for not judging me.

I don't know, it was bad, and I wish to forget it a lot. Lately, that man has been torturing me, since I took his son to stay at my house. He's a young man, and he doesn't need his emotionally abuse.

Oh did I mention he never assaulted my baby brother? At most he bossed him around while he was drunk. I guess Simon was the best thing that happened to him.

It's not that his memory tortures me so much, I just want to know why he did what he
did..When I told Bradley, the first question he asked was "why".
And I realized I didn't have an answer.

I'm sorry for all this information. Do you have an questions?

You don't need to be sorry, double. I'm glad to hear it. No, not glad, that's the wrong word. Well, I'm glad you're able to tell me, you know? It... it's helped to tell people about it here, for me, so I'm glad that you've been able to tell me your own story.

I don't have any questions, no. I'm just glad you could tell me, yes.

I'm glad that I met you, double. I don't know what I'd do in this place if I didn't have someone to control me. I'm more relaxed in general here, but I'm worse with everything as well. I guess it's because I'm not used to the place, or something.

Yeah me too. I've been freaking out here as well.

[He sighs and rubs one of her arms around him lightly.]

I'm glad I could tell you. You know, I've only ever told two people that sstoey. Well, Hershel figured it out but I never told him. I haven't even told my therapist. I hate therapy

I'm glad you were one of those two.

[Descole tightens her grip, glancing up at her double's face.]

I'm glad that I am, too. It's... much as I'm sorry that you went through something like that... it's nice to know that you really can understand, you know? You get people who claim to understand when they've never been through something even remotely similar, and I hate that. So it's nice that you actually do understand, really.

...I should stop clinging onto you like this every time we're together. I'll start to miss it when you're not around. You're going to be like a stuffed bear to me at this rate.

I know. Who am I going to take care of when we get out of here?

So. I have a question for you. Have you every actually dated someone. Like, that you remember? I'm just curious, I don't know anthing about love.

Dated...? Well... I guess it depends on what you'd count as dating. I've gone out on dates, sometimes more than one with the same person, and I've been with people multiple times, but... I've never had any sort of loving relationship, if that's what you mean by it.

[He nods understanding.]

I suppose you'd call what I'm in a relationship. I don't know. I don't know how to be in love. I don't think I am. I don't think I've ever actually fallen in love.

I don't know. It was just bothering me. I was wondering if you could help.

No. God, you thought I could help with something like that? The closest I had to a real, loving relationship was feeding stray cats in my garden, double.

Huh. I guess they'll probably have stopped coming, if I get home. I'll miss them. Maybe if I get home and put food out they'll come back.

They will. I went away from my house for a while, but they came back.

No, but I didn't expect you to be able to give me advise. Just...I dunno. Sympathize. Which you so well.

Well, I can definitely sympathise. I'd love to be able to have something like that, but I don't even know where to start with it. At least you've got someone, even if you don't know what you're doing...

Well thanks for trying. Yeah. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I didn't even ask for love. The person kind of just showed up at my house, after I got out of the hospital. I don't know whether I want it or not.

It makes me feel weak, either way.

Well... I don't think it should make you feel weak. I mean, this isn't weak, right? Us being like this. So it shouldn't be weak with anyone else.

And... well, it's your choice, right?

No, I mean it is my choice and...they're nice. I just hate giving into ut yanno?

Whatever. You're right. Things are fine. You're lucky you don't have to deal with my thoughts.

Well... dealing with your thoughts would mean I was at least a step closer to actually forming some kind of meaningful relationship with another human being, you know? I don't... ugh, I don't even know. I wish I could just... stay here, with you. You're about the only person I feel safe with. It's stupid. I don't feel safe with myself, why would I feel safe with another me? But I do.

Cause I'm different? I'm not so new at dealing with this trauma thing.

I dunno. It's weird how I cab emotionally handle myself more with you that I can my...my relationship.

[Giving it any other title felt weird to him.]

Mmm... maybe we're both just too narcissistic to like anyone else, hmm? We should elope. Or maybe it's only me who's bad enough to even consider something like that, I don't know.

God, what am I saying? You've already said you're in a relationship, I should stop hitting on you already. You should put your mask back on, you're too pretty otherwise.