laytondressing | (no subject)

Mmm... I don't even really remember Essex. Though apparently I'm a rodent since I come from there.

[She snorts a little, nuzzling at Descole's muffler and pressing herself closer to him. She feels freezing, though having him close is helping.]

I've lived in London for a long time, too. I like London, though, as much as I like anywhere...

Eh, London is...London. Essex isn't THAT bad.

[He laughs and gives a little shiver. He doesn't realize how cold he is, either.]

I just got used to London, I think. And Bradley lives there, the studio lives there, it's just an easy place, I guess.

Well, according to that Layton, Essex is a 'vile blemish', or something equally ridiculous.

[Lifting her head a little, Descole shifts to pull the covers around them.]

Either way...

Will you show me how to make those bracelets, then?

[Wondering about her Layton's choice of words, Essex was never that bad, he laughs and nods as she pull the blanket over them.]

Sure thing. It's really all just knots. But it's knowing where to knot them, and such, where it makes it difficult.

I have millions of these from my old friends in my troupe.

[Which made him think, what happened to all of them? Sure they were just kids when they met, but they had to be around each other for years. They endured similar rigorous training, what happened to all of them?]

[He shakes his head as he begins to make a bracelet.]

[Descole nods, watching his fingers move as he's making it.]

It... it'd be nice to have something like that, I think. Something to remind yourself of friends. God, though, that assumes I ever really had any.

[Sighing, she shakes her head.]

It's frustrating, sometimes, not being able to remember anything. I mean... I have bits and pieces from when I was younger, but nothing that's really of any use to me or anyone else.

Really? Personally, I kind of want to forget my younger life. We can switch.

[He suggests this with a laugh and then lets out a sigh.]

I really would just love to forget ballet. Then theatre, and you know, I just want to forget it all. Even my parents, my baby brother.

I could just be happy with my servants and...

...

[He stops thinking about what he was going to say. And Bradley? No. No he didn't need him. He had to stop thinking like that. It was weak of him to even suggest such a thing.]

I don't think you'd like it as much if you actually were in this position. I mean... god, I woke up one day with a handful of memories that didn't make any sense at first. Some of the things I actually remember still don't make sense to me. I don't know what caused it. I almost... part of me thought that maybe Layton would know, because he was the clearest thing I could remember, but if he does know then he never told me.

[She shakes her head again, nuzzling into his muffler some more.]

My life since then sometimes feels like I've just been stumbling around in a fog, you know? I gave up on ever getting my memories back or finding out how I lost them, and I did it a long time ago, but then... sometimes, I'll remember something new. Just little things. I'll remember the name of a guy I had a crush on when I was younger, or what my favorite food used to be. Useless things, but they crop up sometimes and they practically ruin me, because I find myself thinking... well, if I can remember useless things like that, why can't I remember anything important, like what my name really is? I mean, I certainly don't think this is my real name. I couldn't find any birth records for a Jean Descole. But it's the only name I remember for myself.

That's interesting. I wonder what happened to you.

I have to say, I understand that though. I mean, I used to have that happen to me. After...after my stepfather would abuse me, there were times I didn't even remember it, and not only just the abuse, I wouldn't remember what I did all day. But that only ever happened so many times.

But I guess it's not really the same huh...I feel like nothing that happened to me is the same as anyone...I feel...alone.

Ugh, how weak...

Well... I feel alone, too. So... at least we can be alone together.

I don't think you're weak, either. It's twice now that you've managed to calm me down. Nobody else has ever managed it at all. So... even if anyone else thought that you were weak... I think that you're wonderful, double. You're the first person in a long time who I... feel like I can actually trust.

[Saying it is awkward, and she hides her face in his muffler again, cheeks flushed.]

Ugh, listen to me. This place must be getting to me. I mean, I mean what I said then, but I can't believe I actually said it out loud.

[He laughs at her last statement.]

I know! It makes you tell all your secrets! I took my mask off! I don't ever do that!

I like you a lot. I just feel like I'm making you worse though. I know I'm calming you down, but I'm also encouraging your habits. I mean, at home...where I live, I do the same thing. I find myself with the most terrible habits. I hurt myself, I don't sleep, well that's nightmares, I don't go outside hardly anymore, but unlike you, I have people to push me to doing these things.

I don't know if that's a good thing, but I feel like...well in a way it helps me. I have Bradley who worries about me, and he makes me go outside, and he watches me eat, so I don't pass out. I'm not allowed to clean, otherwise I'd be like you on the floor just now.

But I don't know if I'm helping you. Jeez, I kind of miss home...

Well... you have been helping, though. I mean, you're the one who got me to come away from the floor there. And you get me to relax. I can't relax properly with anyone but you, or on my own, but when I'm relaxed I'm better about things. I mean, if I had someone pushing me on everything, I don't think it would help. You saw how bad I got when you were moving me around, and I think I'd react the same to someone pushing me that way.

But you... maybe you're not pushing me to do everything, but you understand the way that things are in my head. Better than I do, I think. And... that helps, for me. It means you can calm me down when I get manic, and that's when I'm likely to actually try to hurt myself. Not looking after myself... that's not so bad as what I can do when something puts me into a state and I've got nobody to get me out of it.

[She sighs a little.]

I guess that... what I mean to say is that even if it's not noticeable, I think you're helping. You make me happy, double. God, it's been so long that I barely remembered what that felt like.

[Biting at her lip, she lifts her head to look him in the eye.]

You... you said earlier that I have to eat something with salt, right?

[He smiles at her honesty and gives a nod.]

Well, I guess I'm glad I could help.

[When she brings up the salt, he shakes his head.]

Well yes, but I don't want you to get sick. Throwing it up would just make it worse. See the lack of sodium is making you shakey, not able to sleep, and physically sick. The alcohol was giving your body that sodium it needed. Now suddenly it's gone.

But I do not want you to get sick. I won't make you eat it. Not until you're in a more restful place.

Well, I just mean... I could probably manage something small. Bacon, or something. I can usually tell before I eat something whether it's going to come back up, so I can just not eat it if I think I'm going to throw it up.

There's every chance that the moment I actually see it I'll decide I can't eat it, but... it's a start, right...?

[She's trying, here. Unlike usually, when she forgets to eat, she does actually feel hungry at this point, it's just that she's nauseous at the same time.]

[He nods in response while the idea of ingesting meats makes him sick, he is quite please with his doubles progress.]

Well, perhaps we should go make something, yeah?

[He missed Bradley at this moment. Very badly.]

[Descole nods, but makes no indication of actually moving. Even if she's agreed to try to eat, the idea of having to actually move from here to accomplish that sounds awful to her right now. She's comfortable, even with the hunger and the nausea, and she feels like she's comfortable so rarely that it seems stupid to give it up.]

God, though, I wish stuff would just appear here for us, ready. If the place can manage to keep my fridge stocked no matter how much I drink, I don't understand why some bacon is so hard for it...

I know. Seriously. This place needs some renovations.

[Laughing he continues to make the bracelet.]

Well go in a second. Want to try making one of these.

Sure, I'll have a go at it...

[She reaches out, getting some string of her own and trying to copy what she's watched him doing. Not particularly well, though.]

Ugh. It'd be easier if my fingers weren't so cold, I think.

[He laughs at the comment.]

I know, mine are freezing too. I do it on auto-pilot though, so I have an unfair advantage. Yours is coming out just fine though. Keep going.

Well, it's just... frustrating. It's awkward to make, and it doesn't come out as well as yours even after that.

[Her gaze flicks towards the scrubbing brush on the floor for a moment, and she twitches as if she's going to move, but the next moment she shakes her head sharply and looks back at the string.]

I hate that... every time I find something that helps even the slightest bit I end up latching onto it until it's not helpful any more. Like the alcohol, and the cleaning.

Well at least this isn't going to hurt you. You're doing just fine. Remember to tie the knots high up, so they're tight.

[He shows her his and smiles. It reminds him of being a child with his friends again. Well, not so much friends, he didn't have many friends, but his aquantinces. It reminded them of how much fun rigorous practice could be with children. Children always found ways to make it fun.]

Did I tell you how I had an addiction to playing music? Seriously, I would play and play for hours on end, pieces I've heard a couple of times before or had the sheet music too. But when I messed up, I had to start over completely. I think I was, um, like twenty when I had that addiction.

I didn't used to play that much, but I was always the same with having to start over every time I made a mistake. I used to get frustrated with it, though, and I'd end up just making more mistakes because I was annoyed, until I couldn't bear to play any more and I'd have to do something else. Well, I guess my piano always stayed very clean, you know?

[She sighs a little.]

God, for as long as I can remember I've been like this, though it got worse after Layton. I think I'd like to have just one day where I can function like a normal person. Although I guess going back to this afterwards would be harder, so maybe not just a day.

Post-traumatic strews takes a while to get over. I read a book on it. But I think eventually, when you can learn to get rid of these feelings, you'll get over it.

[Then again, he hasn't even really gotten over it. After years. His stepfather disappeared from his young adult life when he was about fourteen and he still showed signs.]

Do you what happened to me to get this way?

You? Well... you've talked about your stepfather, and your dancing...

[She bites at her lip.]

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, double. But, if you do want to tell me then I don't mind that either. Ugh, I'm not making sense, am I?

You're making perfect sense. I understand.

I, as a person, keep a lot of secrets. I'm always afraid of judgement and myself being weak, but I suppose I can tell you somethings. You see, my stepfather married my mom when I was like five, and got her pregnant a year later. My real father, he was a P.I. according to my mother, and he died on the job while she was pregnant with me. I'm named after him. Anyways, my stepfather treaded my mother like a goddess. It was so she never knew how terrible he was treating me. He gave me took many chores for a boy to do, and wouldn't let me eat all day until they were all done. They were never all done.

Same thing with practice. When I'd finally finish my chores, I had to practice for hours on sleep deprivation and no food. I will admit, I got really good, but not on my own will. And if I wasn't good enough, he'd hit me.

When I was eleven or twelve, I got my first crush. He found out about it and punished me. Not only did his drunken arse beat me, but he raped me too. And he continued this punishment until I was fourteen and my mother finally found out after my little brother told. So she kicked him to the curb.

Yeah, it's not as bad as yours I suppose, but that's what happened to me. That's what messed me up. Sorry for that monologue.

...I'm sorry, for you. And god, you think that mine was worse? Three days under Layton's thumb are nothing compared to what you went through.

[She moves to bury her face in his muffler again, wrapping her arms around him loosely.]

I guess something probably happened in the time before, to give me the issues I had before and make me forget in the first place, but... whatever it is, I don't remember it, and it didn't leave any scars. So, I've hated not being able to remember, but I'd rather that than be in your position, double. What you went through is horrible, and I guess... it must harder for you, as a man. I mean, if I admitted what I'd been through to people... well, people find it more socially acceptable for a woman to have been through something like this and talk about it afterwards, you know? It's ridiculous, really. But you know what I mean?

I don't really know what to say, god, I'm bad at this. But I wouldn't judge you, and I don't think you're weak. Because, hell, you can deal with me and help me even after what you'd been through. I'd be awful if it were the other way around.